Random thought one:
So here I am, 6 years later. I still think if I don't fall in the abyss, I'll be okay. But here is what I finally figured out - I let go. I have been falling through that dark abyss for 6 years and only now am I beginning to see light, to "see the stars" as a good friend of mine said. I totally lost myself for 6 years-- that is a long time! No wonder I don't know that woman in the mirror. Yet she has not completely taken over; I can still see glimmers of me in her eyes. So now I have to keep climbing out so when I look in the mirror I can see more of me and less of her. Not an easy task, but doable. I have a lot of weight to lose and lots of walking to do to get my wind back. I smoked for 27 years and never thought I could quit. January will be 12 years I have been smoke free. I can do this too, I just have to remember that it's one day, one step at a time.
Random thought two:
Sunday as I was perusing the online edition of the Tribune, I stumbled upon a small bit that screamed at me. It said Body pulled from lake at Edgewater beach, and it gave me goosebumps. I felt compelled to read it and found the victim had not been identified and the circumstances surrounding the death were under investigation. I hate these articles. I still have the one written about my brother. The first one they published had his age wrong, and friends of his started to call. They printed a second with the correct age and a picture of him in a body bag being taken away. My husband would not let me see it. He was very protective of me.
I remember the newspaper calling my house to ask questions. I found out they had spoken to an aunt in California and one of his best friends in San Francisco. I was furious - they should not be the ones to tell family members that he was dead, and I told the lady on the phone that! We had just found out a few hours before and it takes time to call everyone, but I did. My brother's death was not "news", it was a tragedy for my family and his friends.
I see articles like this more often than you would think. And I try hard not to read them. I say a prayer for the person and the family. And I silently curse the "news".
Random thought three :
A very dear and long time friend said something to me recently in an e-mail about this blog, my writing, and my brother's death. She said, "Don't let the accident that took Kirk's life take yours also." She went on to say how my brother loved me and would not have wanted this for me. She told me she wasn't surprised I had decided to write. She recalled when we were young that I used to write all my troubles in a book and the go back and read them. Apparently this was an effective way of looking at things and finding answers. We have traded several e-mails over the last week and her words, support, and love are so amazing to me.
Her name is Julie and we became friends in the 6th grade. I moved away from Chicago after my freshman year of high school and we lost touch for many years. And then, there she was at a benefit Kirk's band did out in the 'burbs. She had read about Kirk in the paper, and saw the information for the benefit in one of the music papers and she came. She said she remembered how close Kirk and I were and she knew this would be an earth shattering event for me. And there she was, after 30 years, being my friend, and hugging me while I cried.
We have stayed in touch through e-mail. She has tried on numerous occasions to get me out of the house to meet her. But I have not left. She and her husband own a restaurant on Clark in Rogers Park, called A Taste of Peru, but I have yet to meet her there despite many invitations.
Even though Julie and I did not see or talk to each other for so many years, she knows me better than any of my other friends. She knows where I come from; she knows all of my childhood experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today, she knows my screwed up childhood, my brothers, and my biological father. She knows. To say that I am astonished that she showed up back in my life when she did would be a gross understatement, yet it makes sense. She is still my friend, an older and wiser version of the girl I used to sit on the swings with at the beach and sing to top of our lungs, and that is such a blessing. She still loves me, and waits with open arms for when I am ready. And I think it will be soon. I could sure use a Julie hug!
So here I am, 6 years later. I still think if I don't fall in the abyss, I'll be okay. But here is what I finally figured out - I let go. I have been falling through that dark abyss for 6 years and only now am I beginning to see light, to "see the stars" as a good friend of mine said. I totally lost myself for 6 years-- that is a long time! No wonder I don't know that woman in the mirror. Yet she has not completely taken over; I can still see glimmers of me in her eyes. So now I have to keep climbing out so when I look in the mirror I can see more of me and less of her. Not an easy task, but doable. I have a lot of weight to lose and lots of walking to do to get my wind back. I smoked for 27 years and never thought I could quit. January will be 12 years I have been smoke free. I can do this too, I just have to remember that it's one day, one step at a time.
Random thought two:
Sunday as I was perusing the online edition of the Tribune, I stumbled upon a small bit that screamed at me. It said Body pulled from lake at Edgewater beach, and it gave me goosebumps. I felt compelled to read it and found the victim had not been identified and the circumstances surrounding the death were under investigation. I hate these articles. I still have the one written about my brother. The first one they published had his age wrong, and friends of his started to call. They printed a second with the correct age and a picture of him in a body bag being taken away. My husband would not let me see it. He was very protective of me.
I remember the newspaper calling my house to ask questions. I found out they had spoken to an aunt in California and one of his best friends in San Francisco. I was furious - they should not be the ones to tell family members that he was dead, and I told the lady on the phone that! We had just found out a few hours before and it takes time to call everyone, but I did. My brother's death was not "news", it was a tragedy for my family and his friends.
I see articles like this more often than you would think. And I try hard not to read them. I say a prayer for the person and the family. And I silently curse the "news".
Random thought three :
A very dear and long time friend said something to me recently in an e-mail about this blog, my writing, and my brother's death. She said, "Don't let the accident that took Kirk's life take yours also." She went on to say how my brother loved me and would not have wanted this for me. She told me she wasn't surprised I had decided to write. She recalled when we were young that I used to write all my troubles in a book and the go back and read them. Apparently this was an effective way of looking at things and finding answers. We have traded several e-mails over the last week and her words, support, and love are so amazing to me.
Her name is Julie and we became friends in the 6th grade. I moved away from Chicago after my freshman year of high school and we lost touch for many years. And then, there she was at a benefit Kirk's band did out in the 'burbs. She had read about Kirk in the paper, and saw the information for the benefit in one of the music papers and she came. She said she remembered how close Kirk and I were and she knew this would be an earth shattering event for me. And there she was, after 30 years, being my friend, and hugging me while I cried.
We have stayed in touch through e-mail. She has tried on numerous occasions to get me out of the house to meet her. But I have not left. She and her husband own a restaurant on Clark in Rogers Park, called A Taste of Peru, but I have yet to meet her there despite many invitations.
Even though Julie and I did not see or talk to each other for so many years, she knows me better than any of my other friends. She knows where I come from; she knows all of my childhood experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today, she knows my screwed up childhood, my brothers, and my biological father. She knows. To say that I am astonished that she showed up back in my life when she did would be a gross understatement, yet it makes sense. She is still my friend, an older and wiser version of the girl I used to sit on the swings with at the beach and sing to top of our lungs, and that is such a blessing. She still loves me, and waits with open arms for when I am ready. And I think it will be soon. I could sure use a Julie hug!
I will keep reading, hon. You keep writing. And keep coming to church. I'll hug you every week! xo Clare
ReplyDeleteSo glad to know that you are able to see out of your pit. So often we lose ourselves when we slide down that we forget to look up. Just know that there are people who are willing to bend and lend a hand to help you stand on your toes to see above the rim.
ReplyDelete