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Muddling...

   I just re-read what on wrote on September 25th.  It is such an honest post.  It is exactly how I feel most days.  Foot-stomping, angry, and whiny, much like a two year old.   The adult in me knows that this attitude isn't helping. But the child inside says, "I don't care"!  It is as though the adult me and the child me keep arguing about all of this.  There is another voice in my head, another me who is the referee, who tries to get  the adult and the child to realize in the long run they want the same thing so they just need to learn to cooperate with each other.
    Today, the referee voice realized that they are in such different places.  The adult me is ready to take back control of my life and all that this entails. Re-joining life - actually living life and not just sitting here passing time.  I have grieved my losses for 6 years.  I can't bring them back.  I miss them every single day.  I talk to my mom at least once a day.  I think I may always be mad at Kirk, but I still love him so much.  They will always be a part of me, always be in me; but I need to move on from this place.
   The child me just wants her mommy!  She is not rational like the adult.  She is a little girl who wants and needs her mom.  Her mom makes her feel safe from the world outside. She wants to feel her mom's touch, so magical when she would rub her face.  When my mom was in hospice at the end and I would sit and hold her hand, I would put it to my face.  My brother, Bob, asked me why I was doing that and I told him that I knew it was one of the things I would miss the most - my mom's touch.
   Well, the adult me is a mom.  According to my son, a pretty good one.  He loves my touch the way I miss my mom's.  I sooth his face and massage his head when he has a bad day.  He has my curls and I love to play with them, like my mom always loved playing with mine.  She lives on in me in so many ways.  So, I wonder if the adult me can also mother that scared child me who wants her mommy and misses her touch so much it hurts.

Comments

  1. CajohOctober 19, 2011 at 7:54 PM

    So often we think that we should just grow up, then we forget that we are still that child no matter how old we are.

    ReplyDelete

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