Northsidemom Muddling Through

December, 2012 I’m not sure why, but I am not in a good place.  Maybe it has to do with Kirk, coming up on seven years.  I just want to hear him playing his guitar and singing.  I miss it.  And singing Christmas carols with him.  He should be here. Christmas and we are so broke…no big tree, no overfilled stockings, no presents overflowing. I know I am spoiled and I’m trying not to be a brat about it.  But if I’m honest, I just want to stomp my feet and cry.  But I try to keep it in because I don’t want to make Dana feel bad.  He already feels bad enough.  I want my stocking filled on Christmas morning! I want to spend hours like always slowing opening presents and taking a break for breakfast.  I want our life back!  Nicky will be gone in the blink of an eye.  That also weighs on me and makes me so unbelievable sad. But I have to let him go and I have to not let him feel guilty leaving. I guess if you put all those things tog...

I have not looked or even thought about this so called blog since the last entry. Sadly, in all that time, nothing has changed.  Pretty pathetic, I know. Nicholas graduates a week from Monday and I have not lost a single pound.  I may have gained a couple more though. What is wrong with me!?! Dana remains unemployed after almost 4 years. We have exhausted our savings and all of our retirement funds.  We have sold all my jewelry and are in the process of selling books and movies. We have struggled to pay our rent for the last 7-8 months.  We have some great friends who have helped when they can. God Bless them. Surely, between death, debilitating depression, job loss, huge money worries and all the other bad luck we have had, we must be due very soon for a run of good luck and happy times.  Pray for that for us please. Graduation - my one and only is graduating high school on June 17th. He will turn 18 on June 25th. It has been amazing watching him grow-up fr...

  Time flies.  I just read what I wrote in January.  I have not done anything since I wrote that, not a thing.  I have not eaten any better, I have not moved more, nothing.  If anything, I think I have withdrawn again.  My eating habits still suck.  I am tired all the time.  My doctor is still trying to find the correct dosage for my thyroid medication.  My house is a pig sty and my kitchen is so bad I don't even want to cook in there.    I have been continuing to look at colleges for Nicky.  I have to stick to this list of schools with policy debate teams.  Over break Nicky and his dad did a campus visit at U of Chicago.  However, after finding out they have no policy debate team, they are off the list.  The boys also did a campus visit to Northwestern.  They have an outstanding policy debate program, and he seemed to really like it there. His parents like it also, and love how close to home it is!  ...

 Started January 2, 2012      So here we are...2012.  I have never been a big New Year's kinda gal.  Just not my thing.  I just can't get excited about it. Never have, probably never will.  It's just another year..I will turn 53, Dana 55, Nick 17.  Dana and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage, Nick will be a senior in high school.  It's just another year.      I am entering this year feeling a little stronger.  I think it is thanks to your prayers, so please keep them going.  At weekend, after Epiphany, we will take the decorations down.  It is the first year in many that I think our tree is quite pretty.  I have enjoyed it this Christmas.  I am trying to make peace with the fact that I will always miss my parents everyday forever.  I read this article where Robin Gibb ( a Bee Gee) was talking about losing is twin, Maurice, a few years ago.  He said he could not come to terms ...

     Today, I hate today.  Six years is a long time.  I miss him so much.  I am still mad at him, still mad at God for taking him.  I loved him more than anyone.  I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh, his music, his hugs - man he had the best hugs ever. Losing him broke my heart in a way it has never been broken and I'm not certain I will ever recover.  I may slowly come back into the light, but I don't think my heart will ever be mended.  I even miss his moods!  I am still trying to figure out how to be in the world without him.  I am still trying to make peace with never knowing what happened.    It's 2:00, the time the police showed up to tell what happened.  Please let this be over....      

    Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away.  Everyone I know loves this holiday, but I have never been a big Thanksgiving kinda girl.  Growing up, Fred would do the cooking and they tried to make it a big deal.  But all I got out of it was a bunch of food I didn't like and football.  Not really much of a holiday to a young girl!      The last several years my sister-in-law, Sara, and her husband, Chris, have invited us to dinner at their house.  We always have a good time spending time with them and they are both wonderful cooks.  They serve a nice combination of the traditional, and some not so traditional, food.  Turkey, stuffing, Chris' mom makes great sweet potatoes, and Chris' pumpkin pie is to die for!  Chris usually makes fish for Dana and Nicholas (my vegetarian boys).  One year he served his world famous pumpkin ravioli as a side dish.  Chris is my favorite cook!  I told him once if I ...