Homebody

     So I was supposed to have lunch last week with my friend, Sue.  But I canceled because I didn't want to go out.  Too much effort to shower, find something to wear, get downtown...  It was easier to just back out.  Sue, in her goodness, was understanding but also concerned about the management of my depression.  I found myself explaining myself to her and in the process learned why, deep down, I don't like going out.

     My response to her concern was as follows.  "You are too kind. I am better than it sounds. I am by nature a homebody. Have been my whole life. A lot of what's going on is because I have such a hard time moving about these days. Walking from my house to Alamo on the corner is enough to make my back hurt. I am so out of shape, it makes walking painful. But I try to take little steps. It's embarrassing to be walking with someone and have to stop because my back is all tensed up and hurting. It is embarrassing to walk with someone and go so slow. I don't fit in most booths anymore, among other places. Also quite embarrassing.

      Then there is my actual physical appearance, also very embarrassing. My clothes don't fit well, I wear the same pair of pants no matter the occasion. I have a shirt that works okay in various colors. And those are getting a bit tight. And I have a pair of sneakers. I don't know what to do with my hair anymore either.  I just feel like such an embarrassment to me and to those I am with.  I have a body that I just can't figure out how to dress, and it's depressing.

     But, I will be fine. I can lose this weight. I have achieved other difficult things in my life. I appreciate your concern. I can often make myself make the effort, I just couldn't today. The rainy weather doesn't make we want to venture out either.

      Just say a prayer and don't give up on me and I will be fine. Having friends that actually care is a new thing for me, so just be my friend."

  Now, I ask myself how I am going to fix this problem.  I could go to Hair Cuttery and just get the ends trimmed.  I don't think they are really that good to trust them to do much more.  I can color it myself, but it never comes out even.  The bottom is always darker than the top.  

   I no longer shop in stores, the sizes aren't big enough.  I can't believe I just typed that, but it is the truth.  And one of the main reasons I decided to do this was to be honest with myself.  When you think the words it's not as real as saying or writing them.  I can't deny that they are the truth, that I have really put on that much weight.  It's like when you are walking down the street and you catch a glimpse of yourself in a plate glass window.  When I do that, I can not believe what I see.  Can't believe I could really be that fat woman I see looking back.

    Anyway, I do all my shopping on line.  But all the catalogs for plus size women do not use plus size models, so it's impossible to envision how something will look on you.  It is impossible to find pants.  I can't even count the number of pairs I have ordered only to either return or sometimes I just donate them.  Same goes for tops, my middle section is so big I have a hard time getting something that fits.  So, I look for tops that have an empire, with the line under my bust.  They have enough room, like a maternity top.  I have a very wide foot, hard to find cheap shoes in wide or extra wide.  It becomes overwhelming.  Easier to just give up and stick to what I have - a pair of jeans, a babydoll polo shirt in various colors and my sneakers. I don't go to things that require me to be more dressed up than that.
     Man, I am just so screwed up!!  :)  LOL